Monday, November 27, 2017

[internal monologue #3]

I wonder, when I die, will someone really remember me for the rest of their lives? Will my impact be that enough? Will they say something really nice about me of when we first met? I mean, I am not always with my friends, is that memory of me already enough for them to cry over my death? Will my family still talk to me when I'm gone? Did I take enough pictures to save the memories? Did I create enough videos as a remembrance of my existence in this world? Did I write enough about the people who really matters and my feelings that should be freed? Did the music I listen to an enough representation of my love for it? Did I do enough helping people? Did I watch enough movies for me to know how painful reality is? Did I read books enough to make me question life? Will all the things I did be enough for me to die someday? Will I ever do enough? I can only do so much, but not everything and I hope it's enough to make me worth dying and remembering. I wonder about these  then realize how short life is. If I don't make it count right now, I might regret it the next day.

Monday, November 13, 2017


#WorldAdoptionDay!! Today is a very important day for me because aside from it is the World Adoption Day, this is also the day I will tell my story to the world. Hear me out? Here it goes.

When I was 9 years old, I started questioning why I don't look like any of my family members. Why my cousins are thin while my built is bigger than the usual, why my skin is fairer, why my height is smaller, and many more. I remember my grandmother telling me that I was just a kid they saw on the street and decided they'd take me home instead. Lol. Since then, I have always questioned this: Who am I?

Growing up, just like most of the teenagers, I have rebelled (but not much 😉😂), I hated the world, I did not love my mama, I hated everyone. Then at 15 or 16 years old, I got found and was kept by Him. Gradually, I learned who I am and found my worth. Though deep down, I can still feel that something is missing. I know, something is not right. I even remember praying this: "God, whatever it is that I'm still missing, help me find it. I still feel lost." And throughout the years that I have been searching for that missing part, I failed, but learned a lot. Fast forward to 2017, my year full of surprises and blessings. April of 2017, I found out the truth through a random Facebook message. On May, I finally got to meet my biological mother. She looks like me (of course 😂), she speaks like me, and we have the curls. Lol. The very moment I saw her, I knew what I was missing. The extension of myself, I found in her. The stars in my universe finally aligned. Suddenly, everything felt right with the world. After finding out about this, I told everything to my Jacob family. I got to know the story behind my adoption and while listening, nothing else, but pure joy, gratefulness, freedom, and love filled my heart. This family, who have taken care of me from the moment I was about to get lost, up until now that I have found who I really am, is the reason why I believe in God's promises and faithfulness. Not to forget the real heroes of the story, my mama Leonora Lesinski,Mama Bernadette Jacob and our beloved Nanay Linda. I would like to take this time to say THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. Deciding to adopt and take care of a child you barely know is one tough act and a proof of your loving hearts. My Jacob family, JCLAM family, my dearest friends and closest relatives who knew I was adopted before I even knew it (I hate it when I get the memo late always!!), thank you! I know now! Haha! Now, I have finally found the answer to my question: I am a daughter to my parentssssss (yes, because that's a lot really), a best friend to my cousins and friends, and more than anything else, I am His child.

To every family out there, please know that adopting a child is worth the struggle. Things may be tough at first, but investing your time and love on a child is and will always be a thing you will never regret. I do believe that there is a family for every child like me.

If you have reached the end of my post and wants to support this advocacy, kindly post a picture of you with a smiley drawn on your hand (just like mine) and post it with the caption #WorldAdoptionDay. Say what it means to you or if you have your story too, this is the time to let the world know.

Love is stronger than DNA!

PS: World Adoption Day is on Nov. 9! This was just a late post! Be with us again next year!

[internal monologue #2]

Every time I hear a sad news of somebody else's passing, I always get this feeling that I may be next. I may be riding the bus on the way home and then boom, I'm dead. I could be anywhere and death might hit me just like that. So yes, before death comes at me, I am going to start giving every piece of me to the world. And to you as well, who's reading this. Haha! I promise to blog almost everything, almost everyday! Hahaha! I am going to document everything and everyone. I am going to put here everything. So when that day comes, I will feel no regret. So for today's entry for internal monologue, I am going to share my deepest thoughts about my plan for the future. :D Here goes! First, I plan to establish an NGO that focuses on adoption. I don't know what yet in particular, but I want it to focus on adoption. Second, I want to take my Master's degree. Don't know what to master on yet, haha, but we'll get there. Third, I want to go to Bolivia. Haha! Well, I want to travel the world so, anywhere is fine for me. Fourth, I want to constantly be good to others and spread love, happiness, and peace as much as possible! I am dreaming too much! But whatever, I am doing all those! Haha! I'll be sharing more! ;)

Monday, October 16, 2017

Not Having You Here Yet

Today feels like just any other day. I wake up, grab a cup of coffee, take a shower, get dressed, and head to work. I do that every single day since I got this job. I enjoy what I do. I learn, I experience new things, and I get to know new people. When the day is done, I will pack my things, head out of the office, walk my way home while listening to Sara Bareilles, get my comfy sleepwear, cook dinner, watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S., have my quiet time, drink a cup of tea, and go to sleep. Other days, I get messages from friends asking me to hang out, my cousins asking how I was because we haven't seen each other for about a month already, and my parents wondering what I would really like to do for the rest of my life. But most days, I get none. Not that I am complaining or whatever, because they are busy too, for sure. But you see, this is how I get through life day by day. Sometimes, it feels lonely to have no one around who will ask how my day was after a long day at work, to have an inbox full of reminders from my boss, to have a bed full of pillows to hug instead of you, to eat dinner alone, and to go to bed all cuddled up by my fluffy blanket instead of your hug. You see, this is how it feels like not having you here yet. I will wake up tomorrow without any sight of you and I'll be just fine, but it would be better if you were there to greet me 'good morning' together with a cup of coffee. I could eat out alone, which I always do, but it would be better ordering for two and having the other chair faced in front of me taken by you. Not having you yet is answering "no, that seat is not taken" to the guy who would ask if he can grab the empty chair so he can sit beside his girlfriend. It's going to bed at night waiting for my thoughts to make me fall asleep rather than having you humming lullabies to me. It's saying "ticket for one to this movie, please" every time I would go see a movie. It's planning a weekend get away for one or sometimes, with friends, if they are free. It's walking on my way home and wishing someone was holding my hand. It's getting on that bus and sitting on an empty chair while leaving the seat beside me available, it should have been you, but you're not here yet. Some days, I get by just fine, but other days, I get sad. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy myself, I enjoy my company, I like being alone, I like going out alone, but sometimes I just want someone to be there. Someone who would hold me, who would give me the last piece of his pizza, who would always start and end my day with a smile, who would argue with me and then make up the same day because we would not want to lose each other, who would pray for me, who would always make sure I get home safe, who would send me funny videos that he knows will cheer me up when I'm having a bad day, who would plan vacations for the both of us, who would take wacky photos with me because I look good doing those rather than being classy, who would remind me how beautiful life is, who would listen to the songs I love, who would watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. with me, who would make me listen to the songs he love, who would open up his world to me, who would go to church with me, and someone who would accept me for being an average-looking girl that he happens to love. I can get by and do all these things by myself, sure. But isn't it more fun if you were here? Not having you here yet is like Joey not having his favorite sandwich at the end of a bad day, it's sad and frustrating. Not having you here yet is doing all the things I want to do all by myself, but wishing someone was there to listen to all my stories. Not having you here yet is like living in a monochrome world, everything looks nice, sure, but wouldn't they be nicer if I get to see them in their glorious colors? This is how it feels like to not have you here yet; completely incomplete, but still getting by.