My comfort left me

Sunset at Onay Beach, Northern Samar

In my pursuit to live my life out of my comfort zone, my comfort left me. When I got home last week from the field visit we just had, I realized that I am not as comfortable as I used to be. I have been restless, anxious, confused, and tired for weeks. Always thinking where to go next and what to do next because every time I feel a little comfortable in a place, with a person, or in a situation, I start to worry that it's not challenging me anymore. Being comfortable made me fear that I may not be giving my best anymore. Being comfortable made me feel stagnant, idle, and unimportant. Maybe this is what happens when we tell ourselves to always take risks, to always go out of our comfort zones, to always meet peoples' expectations of us, maybe in our pursuit of going out "there", comfort leaves us and we start to rattle. The concept of taking risks and pushing ourselves to our very limit are not at all bad, but they tend to be a pressure sometimes that it hits us right through the core when we figure out that we are not challenging ourselves anymore. But you know, maybe we don't always have to take risks, maybe we don't always have to go all-in for someone or something, maybe staying put is not a bad thing after all, maybe being there in the moment is all we will ever need at that very moment, with that very feeling. You see, it is a good thing that we challenge ourselves everyday, that we strive for more, but please remember that doing what needs to be done is sometimes just the perfect combination for a job well done. We cannot always be exemplary in what we do, but we are always, always extraordinary as we are. :)

Let's Try

People would often say that going away is hard, but lately, I have realized that it's not that tough. What's even harder for me is staying. Staying is underrated. People think that once you have started something, it's just so easy to go through the process. What they don't see is how hard it is to keep something, to be committed, to be consistent, to keep trying to stay. We can always start to plant a seed, but isn't it harder to commit to frequently water it so it grows? We can always start new friendships, but isn't it always harder to maintain it? We can always apply for that job, but isn't it harder to stay in that job? We can always enroll to that class, but isn't it always harder to stay in there and try your best to graduate? It's always harder to stay and trust the process. In the same way that it is always easy to quit things and people, but always harder to stay. We can easily quit people and tell them we can't do it anymore, but isn't it always harder to stay? To try and to work it out? We can easily quit our lives and just pull that trigger, but isn't it always harder to stay and keep living? Isn't it always harder to stay and and keep hoping that things will get better? It is always even harder to stay. Quitting and going away can also be hard at times, but staying will always be harder and painful. Trying to stay alive in life amidst all the adversaries and obstacles will always be harder than just going away. Choosing to stay in life even though you've thought of dying so many times, will always be harder to maintain. Choosing to wake up everyday and rise up for another day will always be harder than to stay in bed. Choosing to love even when it hurts will always be harder than to give up and quit. Choosing to live will always be harder. But we will always try. We will always try. Let's always try to stay. Let's always try to choose to stay a little bit more than we did yesterday. Let's try staying.

Napagod Ang Puso

Nagising siya isang araw na hapung-hapo, hingal na hingal na para bang isang libong kilometro ang tinakbo kahit na nakahilata lang naman siya magdamag. Nagising siya. Pero hindi siya bumangon. Iminulat ang mga mata, tinitigan ang kisame, pinatay ang alarm clock at ipinikit muli ang mga mata. Ayaw niyang makita. Ayaw niyang may makita. Ayaw niyang may makakita. Ayaw niyang may makakita sa mga luhang pumapatak, ayaw niyang may makakita sa mga pilit na galak, ayaw niyang may makakita sa bagay na ayaw niya ring makita. "Hindi ako dapat nagkakaganito, hindi ko dapat nararamdaman ito, hindi dapat ako ganito", bulong ng isip niya. Iminulat niya ang kanyang mga mata, tinitigan ang kisame, tinignan ang  paligid, at bumangon.

Masakit ang kasu-kasuan, namamaga ang mga mata, at nauuhaw. Sumakit ang kasu-kasuan kagabi kakahabol sa tao na ang tingin sa kanya ay wala nang silbi, namaga ang mga mata kakaiyak ng tatlong sunod-sunod na gabi para sa taong hindi na niya katabi, at nauuhaw. Nauuhaw siya sa pagmamahal. 

[internal monologue #3]

I wonder, when I die, will someone really remember me for the rest of their lives? Will my impact be that enough? Will they say something really nice about me of when we first met? I mean, I am not always with my friends, is that memory of me already enough for them to cry over my death? Will my family still talk to me when I'm gone? Did I take enough pictures to save the memories? Did I create enough videos as a remembrance of my existence in this world? Did I write enough about the people who really matters and my feelings that should be freed? Did the music I listen to an enough representation of my love for it? Did I do enough helping people? Did I watch enough movies for me to know how painful reality is? Did I read books enough to make me question life? Will all the things I did be enough for me to die someday? Will I ever do enough? I can only do so much, but not everything and I hope it's enough to make me worth dying and remembering. I wonder about these  then realize how short life is. If I don't make it count right now, I might regret it the next day.