[internal monologue #2]

Every time I hear a sad news of somebody else's passing, I always get this feeling that I may be next. I may be riding the bus on the way home and then boom, I'm dead. I could be anywhere and death might hit me just like that. So yes, before death comes at me, I am going to start giving every piece of me to the world. And to you as well, who's reading this. Haha! I promise to blog almost everything, almost everyday! Hahaha! I am going to document everything and everyone. I am going to put here everything. So when that day comes, I will feel no regret. So for today's entry for internal monologue, I am going to share my deepest thoughts about my plan for the future. :D Here goes! First, I plan to establish an NGO that focuses on adoption. I don't know what yet in particular, but I want it to focus on adoption. Second, I want to take my Master's degree. Don't know what to master on yet, haha, but we'll get there. Third, I want to go to Bolivia. Haha! Well, I want to travel the world so, anywhere is fine for me. Fourth, I want to constantly be good to others and spread love, happiness, and peace as much as possible! I am dreaming too much! But whatever, I am doing all those! Haha! I'll be sharing more! ;)

Not Having You Here Yet

Today feels like just any other day. I wake up, grab a cup of coffee, take a shower, get dressed, and head to work. I do that every single day since I got this job. I enjoy what I do. I learn, I experience new things, and I get to know new people. When the day is done, I will pack my things, head out of the office, walk my way home while listening to Sara Bareilles, get my comfy sleepwear, cook dinner, watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S., have my quiet time, drink a cup of tea, and go to sleep. Other days, I get messages from friends asking me to hang out, my cousins asking how I was because we haven't seen each other for about a month already, and my parents wondering what I would really like to do for the rest of my life. But most days, I get none. Not that I am complaining or whatever, because they are busy too, for sure. But you see, this is how I get through life day by day. Sometimes, it feels lonely to have no one around who will ask how my day was after a long day at work, to have an inbox full of reminders from my boss, to have a bed full of pillows to hug instead of you, to eat dinner alone, and to go to bed all cuddled up by my fluffy blanket instead of your hug. You see, this is how it feels like not having you here yet. I will wake up tomorrow without any sight of you and I'll be just fine, but it would be better if you were there to greet me 'good morning' together with a cup of coffee. I could eat out alone, which I always do, but it would be better ordering for two and having the other chair faced in front of me taken by you. Not having you yet is answering "no, that seat is not taken" to the guy who would ask if he can grab the empty chair so he can sit beside his girlfriend. It's going to bed at night waiting for my thoughts to make me fall asleep rather than having you humming lullabies to me. It's saying "ticket for one to this movie, please" every time I would go see a movie. It's planning a weekend get away for one or sometimes, with friends, if they are free. It's walking on my way home and wishing someone was holding my hand. It's getting on that bus and sitting on an empty chair while leaving the seat beside me available, it should have been you, but you're not here yet. Some days, I get by just fine, but other days, I get sad. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy myself, I enjoy my company, I like being alone, I like going out alone, but sometimes I just want someone to be there. Someone who would hold me, who would give me the last piece of his pizza, who would always start and end my day with a smile, who would argue with me and then make up the same day because we would not want to lose each other, who would pray for me, who would always make sure I get home safe, who would send me funny videos that he knows will cheer me up when I'm having a bad day, who would plan vacations for the both of us, who would take wacky photos with me because I look good doing those rather than being classy, who would remind me how beautiful life is, who would listen to the songs I love, who would watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. with me, who would make me listen to the songs he love, who would open up his world to me, who would go to church with me, and someone who would accept me for being an average-looking girl that he happens to love. I can get by and do all these things by myself, sure. But isn't it more fun if you were here? Not having you here yet is like Joey not having his favorite sandwich at the end of a bad day, it's sad and frustrating. Not having you here yet is doing all the things I want to do all by myself, but wishing someone was there to listen to all my stories. Not having you here yet is like living in a monochrome world, everything looks nice, sure, but wouldn't they be nicer if I get to see them in their glorious colors? This is how it feels like to not have you here yet; completely incomplete, but still getting by.

E,

Tapos na.
Paalam.

E,

Nagtapos tayo sa parehong paraan kung paano tayo nagsimula, mabilis.

Nasaktan ako sa parehong paraan kung paano natin minahal ang isa't isa, dahan-dahan.

Nalungkot ako sa parehong paraan kung paano ko nakilala ang nanay mo, nakakatakot.

Mabilis tayong nagtapos.

Dahan-dahan akong nasaktan sa mga pangyayari.

At natatakot akong harapin ang lungkot.

Gayunpaman, palalayain na kita.

Palalayain kita sa parehong paraan kung paano mo ako minahal, totoo pero hindi pa handa.

THOUGHT CATALOG QUOTE

"She wants so much more from you than friendship. And since she knows that's never going to happen, she has to keep her distance. She has to do what's best for her sanity and stay away."

FULL ARTICLE HERE: http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2017/06/this-is-why-she-could-never-just-be-friends-with-you/

JUNE 24 [rambled thoughts] [internal monologue]

It's your birthday. You might be reading this, or not, ha! Anyway, kumusta? It's been three days since I decided to leave. 2 days since I unfriended you (?) very millenial, lol. It's been 6 months since I got to know you. Sana pinakinggan mo lahat ng kantang binigay ko. I'm still sorry for leaving. I just...I don't know, got fed up with "you are special to me";"go with the flow lang, bahala na";"ang alam ko lang, masaya ako." Daaaaaaamn. They sound so good at first, but man, ang hirap ng sitwasyon na yun! I got tired, sorry. I concluded na wala nang patutunguhan since you were like that for the past six months, so I decided to leave. I figured out, I cannot take it any longer. Hindi kita ma-plastic. Hindi ko matanggap sa sarili ko na hindi mo kayang mag-commit. But oh, well! I pray that you are doing well today. I mean, hindi rin naman ako masyadong malaking kawalan sa'yo, haha! Yeah, drink with the guys? Saturday night and it's your birthday. I am actually thinking of giving you a message or a  call, but, I don't know, I feel like it is not needed anymore. We already said our goodbyes. Wag na diba? Hahaha! Though, umaasa pa rin akong lalabas yung pangalan mo ulit sa messenger ko, iilaw yung phone ko tapos pangalan mo yung lalabas. But I guess, not gonna happen anymore. We were like literally Rachel and Ross, except that I took that plane anyway and did not come back for good. Mahirap kang kalimutan, yes. Eh, hello, you are the first person to even introduce me to his mother, pero, daaang, wala, friends pa rin?? Hahaha! Akala ko, seryoso na yung step na yun! Akala ko, yun na talaga! Pero, wala, e. Haha! Sige lang. Pain will heal itself. Kaya 'to! Sorry if I am too much to handle for you. I did not mean to be so fast-forward to you. I'm sorry for everything. You were still a good man, Thank you!

Sapantaha

Hindi ko alam kung saan tayo patungo
Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong sumama sa'yo
Hindi ko alam kung tama ba 'to
Hindi ko alam kung tama bang nag-tagpo tayo
Dapat bang mahalin ka?
Dapat bang ipag-patuloy ito?
Dapat ba kitang hayaang pumasok?
Dapat bang ibigay ko sa iyo ang buong ako
Dapat bang mahalin kita ng buo
Dapat bang maramdaman ko ito?
Hindi.
Hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang tamang sagot.
Baka walang tamang sagot.
Baka walang sagot.
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Parehas tayong may pupuntahan
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Kailangan ko ng kasama, kahit ngayon lang
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Walang tama o mali sa pag-ibig
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Nag-kita tayo tapos ito na, ganito na tayo
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Mahal kita.
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Gusto ko itong mag-tagal
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Naka-pasok ka na, pero pwede kang lumabas kung kailan mo gusto
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Wasak na ako nang natagpuan mo
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Mahal kita.
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Walang mali sa taong nagmamahal
Hindi.
Hindi ko na alam kung dapat pa ba.
Pero isa lang ang alam ko,
May isang byahe tayong pagsasamahan.
Marahil darating ang araw na kakailanganin
nating tumigil sa gitna,
mag-pahinga at umusad; ikaw sa kanan, ako sa kaliwa.
Marahil darating ang araw na
mauubusan tayo ng enerhiya
at kakailanganin ng bagong lakas
mula sa ibang pwersa, mula sa ibang nilalang.
Pero habang nasa byahe tayong ito,
handa akong samahan ka,
handa akong mag-lakad,
handa akong mag-lakbay,
at kung pag-dating sa dulo
ay hindi na natin kailangan ang isa't-isa,
asahan mong bibitaw ako nang dahan-dahan,
dadalhin ang ala-ala nating masasaya,
bibitawan ang bagaheng matagal na dapat ibinaba,
iiwanan ang mga pangakong binitawan,
at hindi mag-iiwan man ng anong pait at sakit.
Dahil sa byaheng ito,
hindi mahalaga kung saan at paano tayo nag-simula,
mas mahalaga kung paano tayo magwawakas.

KABISADO KO NA...ATA

Alam ko na’to. Kabisado ko na, e. Darating ka, maglalakad patungo sa akin, magkaka-titigan tayo. Kikislap ang mga mata ko na para bang inihulog na ng langit ang pinakahihintay kong regalo. Ngingiti ka, uupo ka, at ayan sa wakas, magkaharap na tayo. Nasa harap ko na ang pinaka-magandang umaga at pinaka-malamig na gabi ng buhay ko. At dahil nga kabisado na kita, alam kong tatanungin mo ako kung kumusta ang araw ko, at syempre, sasabihin kong  “eto, kausap ko na.” pero hindi, dahil kabisado na kita, alam kong ang isasagot ko ay, “ayun, okay naman.” Tatango ka at ngingiti kang muli, at ako, iibig ulit ako, paulit-ulit, walang mintis. Aayain mo akong lumabas at maglakad-lakad pagkatapos nating kumain at mag-kwentuhan, at oo, sasama ako, palagi akong sasama. Hahawakan mo ang kamay ko, mahigpit pero panatag ang buo kong pagkataong hindi ka bibitaw. Tatawid tayo sa kalsadang pamilyar, susuyurin natin ang kalyeng kaya kong lakarin ng nakapikit, maglalakad tayo. Tatawa tayong parang walang bukas. Maglalakad pa tayo. Diretso lang, walang likuan. Pero hindi e, hindi lang isang diretso ang kalsadang ito. Kailangan nating lumiko. Liliko, teka, saan ka pupunta?

Oo nga pala, kabisado ko na ‘to e, liliko ka. Gusto ko pang dumiretso pero lumiko ka na, at hindi, oo, hindi na kita pwedeng habulin kasi naglalakad ka na, patungo sa kanya, titingin siya sa’yo at magkakatitigan kayo. Kikislap ang mga mata mo, ngingiti siya at uupo ka sa harap niya,at kukumustahin niya ang araw mo. Sasagot ka, “eto, kausap ko na.” ngingiti siyang muli at sa pangalawang pagkakataon, iibig ka. Aayain mo siyang maglakad-lakad pagkatapos niyong kumain at mag-kwentuhan, papayag siya, hahawakan mo ang kamay niya, mahigpit pero sigurado, tatawid kayo sa kalsadang pamilyar, susuyurin ang kalyeng kabisado na, tatawa na parang walang bukas at maglalakad pa. Diretso, walang likuan, walang likuan, walang lumiko, lumakad ka palayo.

Teka, kabisado ko na ‘to e, pero bakit hindi ko pa rin makabisado kung kailan tutulo ang luha? Bakit hindi ko pa rin kabisado kung ilang kahon na naman ng tisyu ang mauubos ko kaka-iyak? Bakit mali na naman ang tantsa ko ng panahon ko ng pag-move on? Kabisado ko na, e. Alam kong sasakit pero bakit hindi ko pa rin kabisado yung kirot? Alam kong aalis ka pero bakit hindi pa rin ako sanay sa pag-iisa? Siguro nga kabisado ko na ang mangyayari, pero kahit kailan, hindi ko makakabisado ang kirot ng pagkawala mo, ang hapdi ng pag-alis, pag-balik at muli mong pag-alis, ang mga gabing magiging araw at ang mga araw na hindi sisikat para sa akin, ang mga panahong iiyak akong mag-isa, mga araw na hindi ko gugustuhing lumabas ng bahay, at higit sa lahat, ang mga araw na gigising na naman akong mag-isa, tulala at mag-iisip na naman kung kabisado ko pa rin ba ang pinaka-importanteng bagay na dapat kong gawin pagkatapos ng istroya natin, ang kalimutan ka.

NEW YEAR '16-'17

New Year's Eve tonight and 2017 is just around the corner. Wow! Time flies really fast. On the first quarter of this year, I was just a college student and graduated months after and wow, look where I am now. Haha! I never thought all these moments could happen in just a year. I am overwhelmed with all the blessings, breakthroughs, and challenges. I am amazed by the grace of God and His overwhelming love. There are so many things I am thankful for and things/people I want to leave behind before 2017 starts. This year, I conquered my 2nd mountain, graduated from college, went through heartbreak after another, shaved my hair, got stronger, got to know myself more, got to love myself more, appreciated the people around me, started to give importance to the things that matter, left my comfort zone and decided to volunteer in Davao Oriental, and now I feel like a new person all over again. This year is tough, but I am tougher, and God surely is the toughest. It's crazy how fast a year can change a person and I'm glad it's that way. 💕 To the people who have been with me this year, thank you. I am more than grateful that you have been with me throughout my 2016 journey. You are all a blessing. 💜 To the people who chose to leave, for whatever reason it is, I do respect it. I just hope you are doing well in life and achieving the things you have always wanted to achieve. To the people whom I may never see again for the rest of my life, it was nice meeting you this year and though we will never see each other again 'till another lifetime, please do know that I am happy I got to know you. To the people I did wrong, I am terribly sorry for the things I did and please believe me when I say that I have already learned my lesson. Thanks for the memories. To the people who have done me wrong, forgiving is kind of easy, but forgetting is another kind of obstacle I still have to get through. To the people who chose to love me and accept me as a crazy being I am, thank you with all my heart. I don't know why you still love me, but I'm glad you do because I love you too. 💜😉 Goodbye, 2016! Hey 2017, you better get ready because I am all set for your ups and downs. 💪

PS: Darating na ba si "the one" next year, Lord? 🙊😩

Teacher D: Cheating?!

I was once a student. I know how it feels not being able to study for the upcoming exam. I know how it feels to be unprepared for the exam. I know the anxiousness, difficulty, and the challenge. It's hard, I must admit. Well, I also cheated, one way or another. (peace) =)) But hey, I have a funny story to tell about my student so keep reading! :D

While making the test questionnaires for my students, there is only one thing in my mind: I HOPE MY STUDENTS DON'T CHEAT. I DON'T CARE IF THEY FAIL MY EXAM, AS LONG AS THEY DO NOT CHEAT. 

Come exam day, and voila! I caught almost 5 students cheating. It's hard to deal with because I don't know if I should call them out right then and there or should I just talk to them right after the exam? I chose to not do anything with it. Weak, I know. I let it pass. I realized that it has been done already and I cannot do anything about it anymore, but I promised myself the next time I caught them cheating, I won't let them get away. 

So here's the funny story. =)) While I was checking their papers, one paper caught my attention. Aside from the fact that my student failed, he also wrote something on the paper.

Translation

(I just copied my answers on Test 1. I said this because you are too kind, ma'am. I am not saying this in the hopes that you will give me higher grades, but I am saying this because I am comfortable with you. If you read this, for sure you'd be laughing.)

I just can't. =)) He's way too honest to even confess his cheating! I understood him. I thank him for being honest. The day after, I talked to him and told him that I appreciate his honesty although there's no changing that he failed and he cheated, I told him that his honesty will take him a long way. I also thanked him for telling such things. I also assured him that the next time he cheats, he won't get away with just one simple message. :D

I really appreciate him though. At least his conscience spoke to him and made him admit his fault. At the end of the day, what would matter most is the integrity, the heart and the character. And I know, this kid will go a long way! God bless him. <3

FUTURE WEDDING VOW (to be edited in the near future lol)

My dearest __________,


First of all, congratulations to the both of us. (lol)  I may not know all the things that you have been through to get to this day, but I want you to know that I have been through something too before I even met you. And I must say you are worth it and you will always be worth it. There have been a time when I almost gave up on the idea of falling in-love again and getting married and having a family because I thought men were just all the same. BUT the idea of you even though I don't know who you were back then, gave me hope. God reminded me that my Boaz is patiently waiting for me and if I were to give up back then, I would not have met my poging-poging Boaz! :) We both waited for each other and with that, I want to congratulate the both of us, yey!

Second, thank you. Thank you for saving me from the questions of people around me that goes "tomboy ka ba?" kasi nga, ang tagal kong walang boyfriend! You have saved me!! (lol) And syempre, thank you for saving me from my own thoughts na hindi na ako magkaka-asawa, na wala nang magmamahal sa akin, na wala nang magkaka-gusto sa akin. Thank you for giving me this chance to love and to be loved, but this time the true kind of love, the God kind of love. Thank you for accepting me - my flaws; my opinions; my passion; my mood swings; my paglalambing; my weirdness; my humor (na minsan di mo ma-gets kasi ako rin di ko ma-gets hahaha); and syempre thank you for accepting my family and friends. Thank you for waiting for the right time, for the right person, for this moment. Also, thank you for bringing me closer to God.

Third, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I took so long. I'm sorry I wasn't there when I should have been. I'm sorry for taking care of myself first before finally presenting myself to you. Worth it naman diba? Haha!

As your wife-to-be, minutes from now, I promise to choose and love you every day. I will forever choose us, choose you, choose love. I promise to trust you, to take care of you, and be the wife God desires me to be, every day.

______, I love you. I prayed for you, I prayed for this and I will continue to do so. You were more than what I had hoped for. You are the answer to my prayers. I love you.

FORGETTING

I always hated the thought of having to forget something that really made an impact in my life, specifically, something that really hurt me. I mean who the hell in the world would forget something that hurt them deeply? That is almost impossible, freaking impossible. How could I forget the pain; the times I cried in the bathroom floor, on the bed, inside the cinema; that crumbling feeling every time I hear them say your name; hearing your voice every now and then; seeing you happy while I am still trying to convince myself that I. HAVE. TO. FORGET.

I was six years old back then, when I started sneaking out of the house to get away from Nanay and play with my friends outside 'til sunset. I got my strategy from you. You even carry me with you whenever you would go visit your girlfriend back then. I used to be so happy with you. You were like my little happy pill. You were like my escape from the sad world. I adored you. Every inch of you.

I was eight or nine back then, when you broke up with your girlfriend who, let me say, is the most beautiful human being I have ever seen in my life (from looks to character, man, she was irreplaceable) and that was the second time I knew that boys really do break hearts. The first time I knew this was when dad cheated on mom and wow, you did the same thing with your then girlfriend. I saw her cried her eyes out at the corner of our street. It was dark, and the lights that she only has were from the cars passing by. She was crying intensely and you went up to her and made her feel more like a crap because you effin' shouted at her while asking why she's crying. Congrats.

I was ten when I saw you stealing food from the refrigerator (shallow, I know) and you know what, I did not care at all, but I knew that was not supposed to be done. This was also the time that you said goodbye to me and treated me to a fancy restaurant because you had to go out of the country for work. And hey, I wrote a letter for you with crappy penmanship and all, lol.

I was twelve when I first saw your girlfriend who was the replacement of your ex. She was pretty cool, yeah. This was also the time when you first saw me holding hands with my first boyfriend while walking down the street. Damn, you acted like my dad which was kinda cool and terrifying at the same time. I let it pass. I got more rebellious in my own way.

Fast forward to this day. When I saw everything. Heard everything. And felt everything. Too much damage had been done that I cannot put into details anymore because it hurts me every time I remember. My mind have turned into a series of flashbacks every time I walk past the places where tragedies happened. I did not know it back then. I did not know it would make such an impact on me. Up until now. So tell me, how do I forget these?

Maybe I won't.  Maybe I will never ever forget these, both the good and the bad. Maybe these memories were bound to be with me for the rest of my life. Maybe I am the problem after all. Maybe it was not you. Although it was really you, but I have myself to blame. I have kept this pain for so long. They grew and became anger and hatred. I blame myself for not letting all these go easily. I regret not dealing with this pain earlier because honestly, it kills me up until now. Maybe I do not have to forget the memories after all, and maybe I have to change the way I see it now and the way I feel about it.

How I wish this island in my mind (just like how Inside Out did it) would just sink. How I wish everything would just fade. I wish I never have to get through this. I wish I never have to revisit the memories and feel the pain all over again. How I wish it would just be for a split second before I can finally forget you and the memories.

I will be okay. I know I will be okay. I have to be.

HINDI KA NAMAN NAWALA

Kaibigan,
Ako ay iyong nilisan na
Naalala ko pa iyong isang araw na
Hinatid mo ako pauwi
Habang nagku-kwento ka tungkol sa pag-ibig mong sawi
Nagsalita ka nang nagsalita
Nakinig lang ako
Pero hindi ko napakinggan kung ano talaga ang ibig sabihin mo
Sana'y nakinig pa ako nang mas maigi
Sana'y tinignan kita sa mata habang nagsasalita ka
Para mas naintidihan kita
Hindi ko lubos mawari na hindi na ulit kita masisilayan
Hindi ko lubos maisip na hindi na kita makakausap pang muli
Naririnig ko pa rin ang boses mo
Dama ko pa rin ang haplos mo
Malinaw pa sa utak ko ang ngiti mo
Hindi ko maiwasang maluha
Tuwing naririnig ko ang paborito mong kanta
Nangingiti ako tuwing nakikita ko ang paborito mong inumin
Natatawa ako tuwing nababasa ko ang mga pag-uusap natin
Pero hindi na katulad ng dati
Naririnig ko ang boses mo pero may kirot
Nadarama ko ang haplos mo pero may lungkot
Malinaw pa sa utak ko ang ngiti mo pero masakit
Hindi ka naman nawala
Kasi nandito ka pa
Nandito ka pa sa isip at puso ko
Ihatid mo ako ulit
Samahan mo ulit akong maglakad
Kuwentuhan mo ako ulit
Pangako, ako'y makikinig
Hanggang sa muli.

AKO NA ANG NAGSASABI

Hindi mo ako mahal

Baka napapasaya lang kita

Kasi puwede mo akong kausapin

Sa lahat ng bagay 

Tulad ng tama ba ang corporal punishment o hindi?

Sirena ba talaga yung nakita ng mga scientists o joke lang?

Hanggang sa, anong latest music ng banda na 'to

Tapos na-alala ko nga, napunta pa tayo sa usapang UFO at Conspiracy Theory

Nagsasalungat tayo ng mga ideya pero masarap ka pa ring kapalitan ng ideya

Sabi nila, "opposites attract" daw 

Pero baka hanggang attraction lang

Hindi naman lahat ng attraction nagtatagal, diba?

Kaya hindi mo ako mahal

Baka ako lang yung nagkakataon na online 'pag online ka rin

Tapos sakto na-seen ko yung message mo

Tapos ayun, doon na nagsisimula

Stickers, cheesy lines, links sa mga paborito mong kanta at kung anu-ano pa

Nakakakilig, nakakatawa, nakakainis

Pero hindi mo ako mahal

Baka masaya ka lang na may kalandian ka

Ako kasi 'yung tipo ng tao na isang text mo lang, reply agad

'Yung tipo ng tao na kukulitin ka kapag 'di ka na nagre-reply

'Yung tipo ng tao na kapag sinabihan mong "nalulungkot ako. I wanna die."

To the rescue ako para masiguradong okay ka lang

'Yung tipo ng tao na napa-paranoid kapag active ka 1 min. ago tapos 'di ka nag-chat sa akin

'Yung tipo ng tao na iniisip kung magagalit ka ba kapag may sinabi ako

Pero hindi mo ako mahal

Baka ako lang 'yung taong kayang saluhin lahat ng latak sa pagkatao mo

Kapag nagtatampo ka dahil nag-send ako ng jejemon text sa iyo

Kapag naiinis ka dahil nababa ko 'yung tawag mo

Kapag hindi ka mamamansin kasi hindi ako kumain sa tamang oras

Kapag naiinis ka sa pamangkin mo

Kapag nagagalit ka sa nanay mo

Kapag natatawa ka sa mga bagay na seryoso na halos ikamatay ko na kasi ang cool para sa'yo

Pero hindi mo ako mahal

Baka concerned ka lang

Pwede ka naman kasing maging concerned without romantic feelings attached, diba?

Kaya hindi mo ako mahal

Baka na-miss mo lang magkaroon ng girlfriend

Nagkataon, single ako at walang iniintindi

In short, available ako 

Available  na available

Pero hindi mo ako mahal

Ako na mismo ang nagsasabi

Hindi mo ako mahal

Pero baka mahal mo ako

Pero paano kung hindi?

Paano kung oo?

Bakit hindi? Bakit oo?

Mahal mo ba ako?

Mahal mo?

Mahal lang?

Ano ba ang mahal para sa'yo?

Ano ba ang pag-ibig para sa'yo?

Ano ba ako sa'yo?

Ano ba tayo?

May tayo ba?

Baka hindi mo nga talaga ako mahal

Baka nalilito ka lang

Baka importante lang ako

Pero hindi mahal

Hindi mo mahal

Hindi.

I AM NOT GOING TO PURSUE YOU

As a woman full of plans, dignity, love, and self-respect, the last thing that I would want to do is to pursue a guy. Just so we're clear here. Yes, I like you. BUT that does not give you a valid reason for me to pursue you. No, no, no. I told you weeks ago that I do like you and I'm still getting to know you to maybe like you even more. Just that. That is the only thing I can do, no, that is the only thing I want to do. I do not want to look thirsty for you or your attention. Though I must admit, I do like the attention you give me. You told me you love me, that quick. I already had my doubt, but I brushed it off because you may be saying the real thing, and I don't want to judge too quickly.

I need not to tell you this, but if you really love me, wouldn't being consistent a normal thing already? Wouldn't having to call/text me first already a thing? If you really love me, you would pursue me. Not because I told you, not because your mom said so, not because it is the norm, but because you love me. You would pursue me in your most modest and sincere way possible. You would pursue me because you make me wanna feel needed and loved. You would pursue me because you do not want me going anywhere, you don't want me being with someone else because you love me. You would pursue me because you do not want me begging for your attention and love all the time. You would pursue me because I am worth it. I should be worth it. I should be worth pursuing for.

I am not gonna pursue you because I have set my standards already. It is all clear to me that if a guy do not pursue you then, the problem's not with you, it's with him. I am not gonna pursue you because for the first time in my life, I wanna feel the feeling of being pursued. I am not gonna pursue you because for all its sake, I am still young and if you are not going to pursue me then I am confident that someone out there would do. I am not gonna pursue you because I already told you I like you and if I did not make myself clear to you that I am open to date you and that a little pursuing and getting-to-know-you days are all I need then, I don't know what will. I am not gonna pursue you because I know my worth and if I have to pursue you for you to see my worth, forget it, I don't need you.

So, let me tell you this,

I like you.

But I am not going to pursue you.

2015 TAUGHT ME

1. Never ever ever EXPECT. People can disappoint. I mean, I get disappointed with myself too so yeah.

2. You don't get to decide people's lives and their actions towards a situation. We are individuals.

3. Being selfish is okay especially if you always give yourself to people most of the time.

4. Always find time to be alone with you and your thoughts. 

5.  Do not give up on people easily. Make sure you have given your all before doing so.

6. Coffee sometimes may fail you.

7. School is not everything so are your grades.

8. Being fat is a choice. Make sure you are happy with what you choose.

9. Dogs are cute. Yes.

10. It is never too late to start something new.

11. Giving up some acad night to meet up with your friends at least once in a week is actually a good thing.

12. Isaw is love. <3

13. Lay's is again super love. <3

14. Always staying up late is not a good thing after all.

15. Looks are looks until you get to know the person.

16. Family should never be forgotten.

17. An escape from the noise of the city is a must at least once a year.

18. Watching cooking shows actually make me eat more. Deeeyyyum

19. Sam Concepcion is still handsome and talented.

20. Mornings are beautiful, but no. Still not a morning person.

21. Watching in movie houses alone is therapeutic.

22. Watching a concert alone is therapeutic too!

23. Keeping a planner does not help you sometimes.

24. Money can buy you something, but not everything.

25. Thoughtcatalog articles may break or make you.

26. You have to delete files on your computer. 

27. Pampering yourself is also a must. 

28. It's all in the mind.
29. People will change right after they saw how much their dumbness made a bad impact on you. Sometimes, it'll be too late, but hey, they still changed for the better so yeah, congrats!
30. Confronting people are the best way to get through the issue. Let's talk it out!
31. Boys will be boys. Men are matured boys.
32. You don't always have to do the first step.
33. Boys will self-pity to make you feel that they badly need your love. Men will show you how to love without sacrificing their self-esteem.
34. Happiness is a choice. Joy is always there, you just got to turn her on.
35. First, second, and third tries after that, rest. Then, get back up.
36. ALWAYS. DELETE. UNNECESSARY. FILES. ON. YOUR. DESKTOP. NOW.
37. It's hard to listen to that song because you have your own story behind it. So, don't incorporate beautiful, wholeheartedly written songs to your unstable relationship with a very unstable guy. It hurts.
38. 'I love you' can be said in different ways. It's up to you to notice it.
39. Never underestimate the power of random compliments, unplanned dates, awkward hugs, cheesy romantic lines, unexpected sweet messages, and incomparable exchange of laughs.
40. Eat right.
41. Always have a goal, no matter how dark and nonsense it is. Always have a goal.
42. Don't hold back your tears.
43. Quality over quantity. This one applies almost to everything!
44. Disconnect once in awhile from the internet and see what you have been missing in the real world.
45. A love of a mother is unconditional. Always unconditional.
46. If it hurts, sleep. If it still hurts in the morning you wake up, well at least, you slept. Lol
47. Fancy restaurants sometimes do not offer the best food in town. Make sure to check out the busy, dirty, and crowded side of the town for best food!
48. Christmas is more than giving things. It's also the season to let go people, memories, and feelings.
49. New Year is an indication that you made it. Congrats!
50. Life is indeed perfectly flawed.

Hey, Ocean

You know that feeling when you dip your feet into the ocean not knowing how deep it is? All you know is you want to do that, you want your feet to feel the water because why not? It sounds cool, it looks relaxing. Then, you don't realize how deep you have been. You've been very far from the shore and too far from the end, is there even an end? This is both deep and wide. How am I gonna make it out alive in the ocean? So I learned to swim. I've learned that it's fine to compromise sometimes. I swim, but the waves are unpredictable sometimes. For many times now, I've been swimming while this ocean keeps on throwing waves, but no, I do not give up because I did this first. I dipped my toes first so I have to accept this. I have to accept the fact that this ocean can bring me both pain and struggle and happiness in between. So I've become a great swimmer by now. I can now conquer this ocean's big waves, hell yeah, I even go above its waves. I'm doing great, I'm doing fine, I'm enjoying. Then suddenly, this unpredictable ocean with its unpredictable waves threw a big time wave. I saw it fast approaching right in front of me. I have nothing. I only have myself. Here it comes, here it comes. As it gets nearer to me, I start to think on why I did this first. Why did I even dipped my toes in this ocean? Why did I want to be in the ocean in the first place? I was doing fine without it. I was doing fine in the sand, why the hell risk my life here? Then boom! I've been hit. Where am I? The wave's done damaging me. Am I underwater? Was I thrown away into the shore? Am I still in the middle of the ocean? Is it calm now? The waves? Yes, it's done. Now, I've realized how big this ocean's wave can be. So I start swimming to go back to the shore, because that's where I belong in the first place. Hurry, I have to go back there before the next big wave comes. I got this. Now keep swimming. Swim with all my might to go back to the shore. I don't belong in the middle of the ocean. I don't deserve its waves. I've managed to conquer its waves, but no. Not all the time these waves can be managed, sometimes these waves can get bigger than me and then bigger and then bigger until I can't carry it anymore so I have no choice, I have to go back to the shore. I'm done with all these. I'm too tired conquering the waves, I'm too tired. You have always been the ocean and I have always been the swimmer. I need rest, even swimmers rest. Your waves never seem to rest and I don't know what to do anymore. So I'll be leaving. I'll be.

PARA SA TAONG "HEART OVER HEAD" ANG LAGING MANTRA

Dear Katawan ng Taong Ito,

K A T A N G A H A N. Isang malaking katangahan. Isang malaking katangahan 'yan. Kung laging iiral yang nararamdaman mo, sana naging puso ka na lang. Para tibok ka na lang nang tibok. Kasi, puro feelings lang diba? Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon, puso ang tama. Hindi rin naman sa lahat ng pagakakataon, tama ang utak. Pero ang point ko kasi dito, hindi mo hahayaang pumangibabaw ang isa sa isa. Ipantay mo. Kapag ginagamit mo ang puso mo, isabay mo ang utak mo. Ganito ang magiging conversation nila:

PUSO: Crush ko siya!
UTAK: Bakit? Kasi pogi, matalino, mabait?
PUSO: Basta, crush ko siya!
UTAK: Kasi nga ano? Kahit isang rason lang! Ano?
TIYAN: Nak ng! Gutom lang 'yan, mga landiterang to!

Di naman talaga dapat kasama yung tiyan, sorry na. Pero diba, kapag may naramdaman ka, isipin mo naman kung bakit. Hindi yung arangkada na agad. Bakit mo nararamdaman? Tama bang nararamdaman mo yan? Mapapanindigan mo ba? Si puso kasi magaling yan sa pakiramdaman. Pwede yang magparamdam sa'yo ng libu-libong kalokohan para umasa kang mahal ka pa rin niya. Pero sa libu-libong yun, isa lang, isa lang ang mali. Kasi lahat, lahat yun tama. Oo, tamang hinala. Hindi, joke lang. Half ng ipaparamdam sa'yo, for sure, tama, half, mali. Si utak naman, maraming ibibigay na assumptions 'yan. Ipapa-isip niya sa'yo lahat ng posibilidad. Pwede pa kayo, kaya mo pa, hindi ka pa pagod, gutom ka lang, blah blah blah blah. Ngayon, kung isa lang diyan ang susundin mo, mabobobo ka. Matatanga ka. Ganun ka ba? Hindi diba. Kaya ikaw, bilang may-ari ng katawang 'yan, ay may karapatan na pag-usapin at kontrolin ang dalawang nag-aaway na kampo. Bigyan mo ng panahong marinig ang panig ni puso at ni utak pero wag mo namang hahayaan na sa huli, isa lang ang susundin mo. Pagsamahin mo ang opinyon ni utak at ni puso. For sure, meron diyang magko-compliment with each other. Pag nakuha mo na ang perfect match, yun na. Tsaka ka gumawa ng aksyon.

Ito ang tatandaan mo, kapag puso lang ang umiral, walang logic dun. Para ka lang sumunod sa ihip ng hangin kahit di mo naman talaga nakikkita kung saan siya papunta. Kapag utak lang ang nanalo, walang feelings yun. Para ka lang Rebisco na walang filling, hindi masarap, walang flavor, walang feelings. Kaya kailangan mo silang dalawa. Kailangan mo ang utak mo para sa logic at ang puso mo para sa feelings.  At kapag nangyari yun, congrats! Meron ka nang logical feeling.

Nagmamahal,
Bituka (ang laging malayo sa sugat)

To My Bestfriend's Ex-Boyfriend

Dear you,

You probably know by now that I hate you. Well, kind of. Not totally hate you, but at some point I did consider throwing you into the river and punch you until you drown. Not until I have heard your side of the story. I wanted my opinion to be non-biased and so here I am. Understanding that you still love her, I have already forgiven you. It still aches my heart when I stare at her smile, and see that it is different than before. Before she had you, before the pain, before the hurt. Don't worry, she still manage to laugh and hang-out with her friends without you. She had been doing that act too well. Yes, she's fine. No, she's not happy. She still thinks about you. You haunt her dreams, her reality, her life, her heart. She still mentions your name and talk about how good your cooking was. Sometimes, we talk about you getting wasted with your friends and then calling her to say nothing, but a sigh of drunkenness.I knew everything about you because of her stories. And you know what, her eyes get wet a little every time she mentions your name and her voice cracks every time she would talk about you. I've seen all of these. I have seen her being happy with you and now, sad because of you. But, as I have said, do not worry. She is okay. She was. And she will be. I guess, this is what the both of you need. A time to breathe fresh air. Realize and analyze everything that had gone wrong. Do it separately. Please be patient. As she is slowly moving on now from the heartbreak, the pain. 2 years and 7 months (or 8?) is a tough thing to get over with. Give yourselves time to mature. I respect your decision. I know, there is a reason behind it, and whatever it is, I know that you chose it because it is good for the both of you. Yup, I trust you enough to not be a selfish fool who only thinks of himself. I know, this is hard for the both of you. I know you are hurting too, but this time, I have to side with her. I have to stay with her, but you know, I'm always open to hear you as well. Please continue loving her from a distance. Please continue respecting her by not trash talking her just because you guys broke up. Please continue pursuing healing both for your heart and mind. I don't know what might happen in the future. You guys might get together or forever be separated. I really don't know, But whatever it is, I know it will happen for the good. I admit that she has improving to do and so are you. I admit, she is not perfect, she's sometimes impulsive, she shouts at you like her mother does, she tells you hurtful words, she made you feel unappreciated, but please know that she is aware of these. She is aware of the things she need to improve on. And maybe when she's done improving, maybe, just  maybe, she will not be that girl for you anymore. And for that, I will thank you in advance because you have taught her in the most painful way that love was supposed to hurt after all.

Love,
Her hurting bestfriend

It's There

At times, I don't feel like I'm needed anymore
I don't feel like I am worthy of anyone's time
I've become everybody's shock absorber
That when it's time for me to absorb my own
I cannot because I was done absorbing everybody's
Don't get me wrong
I don't blame people for choosing me to be their absorber
In fact, I am happy with that
It's just that
Lately, I have been suffocated with all of these
I don't want to not care
Bur I don't want to care so much
Because I get hurt twice as they are
And it lives with me
It haunts me before I go to sleep
It haunts me when I wake up
It haunts me when I'm eating
It basically haunts me everywhere, every time