I always hated the thought of having to forget something that really made an impact in my life, specifically, something that really hurt me. I mean who the hell in the world would forget something that hurt them deeply? That is almost impossible, freaking impossible. How could I forget the pain; the times I cried in the bathroom floor, on the bed, inside the cinema; that crumbling feeling every time I hear them say your name; hearing your voice every now and then; seeing you happy while I am still trying to convince myself that I. HAVE. TO. FORGET.
I was six years old back then, when I started sneaking out of the house to get away from
Nanay and play with my friends outside 'til sunset. I got my strategy from you. You even carry me with you whenever you would go visit your girlfriend back then. I used to be so happy with you. You were like my little happy pill. You were like my escape from the sad world. I adored you. Every inch of you.
I was eight or nine back then, when you broke up with your girlfriend who, let me say, is the most beautiful human being I have ever seen in my life (from looks to character, man, she was irreplaceable) and that was the second time I knew that boys really do break hearts. The first time I knew this was when dad cheated on mom and wow, you did the same thing with your then girlfriend. I saw her cried her eyes out at the corner of our street. It was dark, and the lights that she only has were from the cars passing by. She was crying intensely and you went up to her and made her feel more like a crap because you effin' shouted at her while asking why she's crying. Congrats.
I was ten when I saw you stealing food from the refrigerator (shallow, I know) and you know what, I did not care at all, but I knew that was not supposed to be done. This was also the time that you said goodbye to me and treated me to a fancy restaurant because you had to go out of the country for work. And hey, I wrote a letter for you with crappy penmanship and all, lol.
I was twelve when I first saw your girlfriend who was the replacement of your ex. She was pretty cool, yeah. This was also the time when you first saw me holding hands with my first boyfriend while walking down the street. Damn, you acted like my dad which was kinda cool and terrifying at the same time. I let it pass. I got more rebellious in my own way.
Fast forward to this day. When I saw everything. Heard everything. And felt everything. Too much damage had been done that I cannot put into details anymore because it hurts me every time I remember. My mind have turned into a series of flashbacks every time I walk past the places where tragedies happened. I did not know it back then. I did not know it would make such an impact on me. Up until now. So tell me, how do I forget these?
Maybe I won't. Maybe I will never ever forget these, both the good and the bad. Maybe these memories were bound to be with me for the rest of my life. Maybe I am the problem after all. Maybe it was not you. Although it was really you, but I have myself to blame. I have kept this pain for so long. They grew and became anger and hatred. I blame myself for not letting all these go easily. I regret not dealing with this pain earlier because honestly, it kills me up until now. Maybe I do not have to forget the memories after all, and maybe I have to change the way I see it now and the way I feel about it.
How I wish this island in my mind (just like how Inside Out did it) would just sink. How I wish everything would just fade. I wish I never have to get through this. I wish I never have to revisit the memories and feel the pain all over again. How I wish it would just be for a split second before I can finally forget you and the memories.
I will be okay. I know I will be okay. I have to be.
