Monday, November 27, 2017

[internal monologue #3]

I wonder, when I die, will someone really remember me for the rest of their lives? Will my impact be that enough? Will they say something really nice about me of when we first met? I mean, I am not always with my friends, is that memory of me already enough for them to cry over my death? Will my family still talk to me when I'm gone? Did I take enough pictures to save the memories? Did I create enough videos as a remembrance of my existence in this world? Did I write enough about the people who really matters and my feelings that should be freed? Did the music I listen to an enough representation of my love for it? Did I do enough helping people? Did I watch enough movies for me to know how painful reality is? Did I read books enough to make me question life? Will all the things I did be enough for me to die someday? Will I ever do enough? I can only do so much, but not everything and I hope it's enough to make me worth dying and remembering. I wonder about these  then realize how short life is. If I don't make it count right now, I might regret it the next day.

Monday, November 13, 2017

#WorldAdoptionDay


Happy 
#WorldAdoptionDay!! Today is a very important day for me because aside from it is the World Adoption Day, this is also the day I will tell my story to the world. Hear me out? Here it goes.

When I was 9 years old, I started questioning why I don't look like any of my family members. Why my cousins are thin while my built is bigger than the usual, why my skin is fairer, why my height is smaller, and many more. I remember my grandmother telling me that I was just a kid they saw on the street and decided they'd take me home instead. Lol. Since then, I have always questioned this: Who am I?

Growing up, just like most of the teenagers, I have rebelled (but not much ðŸ˜‰ðŸ˜‚), I hated the world, I did not love my mama, I hated everyone. Then at 15 or 16 years old, I got found and was kept by Him. Gradually, I learned who I am and found my worth. Though deep down, I can still feel that something is missing. I know, something is not right. I even remember praying this: "God, whatever it is that I'm still missing, help me find it. I still feel lost." And throughout the years that I have been searching for that missing part, I failed, but learned a lot. Fast forward to 2017, my year full of surprises and blessings. April of 2017, I found out the truth through a random Facebook message. On May, I finally got to meet my biological mother. She looks like me (of course ðŸ˜‚), she speaks like me, and we have the curls. Lol. The very moment I saw her, I knew what I was missing. The extension of myself, I found in her. The stars in my universe finally aligned. Suddenly, everything felt right with the world. After finding out about this, I told everything to my Jacob family. I got to know the story behind my adoption and while listening, nothing else, but pure joy, gratefulness, freedom, and love filled my heart. This family, who have taken care of me from the moment I was about to get lost, up until now that I have found who I really am, is the reason why I believe in God's promises and faithfulness. Not to forget the real heroes of the story, my mama Leonora Lesinski,Mama Bernadette Jacob and our beloved Nanay Linda. I would like to take this time to say THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. Deciding to adopt and take care of a child you barely know is one tough act and a proof of your loving hearts. My Jacob family, JCLAM family, my dearest friends and closest relatives who knew I was adopted before I even knew it (I hate it when I get the memo late always!!), thank you! I know now! Haha! Now, I have finally found the answer to my question: I am a daughter to my parentssssss (yes, because that's a lot really), a best friend to my cousins and friends, and more than anything else, I am His child.

To every family out there, please know that adopting a child is worth the struggle. Things may be tough at first, but investing your time and love on a child is and will always be a thing you will never regret. I do believe that there is a family for every child like me.

If you have reached the end of my post and wants to support this advocacy, kindly post a picture of you with a smiley drawn on your hand (just like mine) and post it with the caption #WorldAdoptionDay. Say what it means to you or if you have your story too, this is the time to let the world know.

I AM A LOVE CHILD AND PROUD! ðŸ˜ŠðŸ’•
Love is stronger than DNA!

PS: World Adoption Day is on Nov. 9! This was just a late post! Be with us again next year!

[internal monologue #2]

Every time I hear a sad news of somebody else's passing, I always get this feeling that I may be next. I may be riding the bus on the way home and then boom, I'm dead. I could be anywhere and death might hit me just like that. So yes, before death comes at me, I am going to start giving every piece of me to the world. And to you as well, who's reading this. Haha! I promise to blog almost everything, almost everyday! Hahaha! I am going to document everything and everyone. I am going to put here everything. So when that day comes, I will feel no regret. So for today's entry for internal monologue, I am going to share my deepest thoughts about my plan for the future. :D Here goes! First, I plan to establish an NGO that focuses on adoption. I don't know what yet in particular, but I want it to focus on adoption. Second, I want to take my Master's degree. Don't know what to master on yet, haha, but we'll get there. Third, I want to go to Bolivia. Haha! Well, I want to travel the world so, anywhere is fine for me. Fourth, I want to constantly be good to others and spread love, happiness, and peace as much as possible! I am dreaming too much! But whatever, I am doing all those! Haha! I'll be sharing more! ;)

Monday, October 16, 2017

Not Having You Here Yet

Today feels like just any other day. I wake up, grab a cup of coffee, take a shower, get dressed, and head to work. I do that every single day since I got this job. I enjoy what I do. I learn, I experience new things, and I get to know new people. When the day is done, I will pack my things, head out of the office, walk my way home while listening to Sara Bareilles, get my comfy sleepwear, cook dinner, watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S., have my quiet time, drink a cup of tea, and go to sleep. Other days, I get messages from friends asking me to hang out, my cousins asking how I was because we haven't seen each other for about a month already, and my parents wondering what I would really like to do for the rest of my life. But most days, I get none. Not that I am complaining or whatever, because they are busy too, for sure. But you see, this is how I get through life day by day. Sometimes, it feels lonely to have no one around who will ask how my day was after a long day at work, to have an inbox full of reminders from my boss, to have a bed full of pillows to hug instead of you, to eat dinner alone, and to go to bed all cuddled up by my fluffy blanket instead of your hug. You see, this is how it feels like not having you here yet. I will wake up tomorrow without any sight of you and I'll be just fine, but it would be better if you were there to greet me 'good morning' together with a cup of coffee. I could eat out alone, which I always do, but it would be better ordering for two and having the other chair faced in front of me taken by you. Not having you yet is answering "no, that seat is not taken" to the guy who would ask if he can grab the empty chair so he can sit beside his girlfriend. It's going to bed at night waiting for my thoughts to make me fall asleep rather than having you humming lullabies to me. It's saying "ticket for one to this movie, please" every time I would go see a movie. It's planning a weekend get away for one or sometimes, with friends, if they are free. It's walking on my way home and wishing someone was holding my hand. It's getting on that bus and sitting on an empty chair while leaving the seat beside me available, it should have been you, but you're not here yet. Some days, I get by just fine, but other days, I get sad. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy myself, I enjoy my company, I like being alone, I like going out alone, but sometimes I just want someone to be there. Someone who would hold me, who would give me the last piece of his pizza, who would always start and end my day with a smile, who would argue with me and then make up the same day because we would not want to lose each other, who would pray for me, who would always make sure I get home safe, who would send me funny videos that he knows will cheer me up when I'm having a bad day, who would plan vacations for the both of us, who would take wacky photos with me because I look good doing those rather than being classy, who would remind me how beautiful life is, who would listen to the songs I love, who would watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. with me, who would make me listen to the songs he love, who would open up his world to me, who would go to church with me, and someone who would accept me for being an average-looking girl that he happens to love. I can get by and do all these things by myself, sure. But isn't it more fun if you were here? Not having you here yet is like Joey not having his favorite sandwich at the end of a bad day, it's sad and frustrating. Not having you here yet is doing all the things I want to do all by myself, but wishing someone was there to listen to all my stories. Not having you here yet is like living in a monochrome world, everything looks nice, sure, but wouldn't they be nicer if I get to see them in their glorious colors? This is how it feels like to not have you here yet; completely incomplete, but still getting by.

Monday, July 17, 2017

E,

Nagtapos tayo sa parehong paraan kung paano tayo nagsimula, mabilis.
Nasaktan ako sa parehong paraan kung paano natin minahal ang isa't isa, dahan-dahan.
Nalungkot ako sa parehong paraan kung paano ko nakilala ang nanay mo, nakakatakot.
Mabilis tayong nagtapos.
Dahan-dahan akong nasaktan sa mga pangyayari.
At natatakot akong harapin ang lungkot.
Gayunpaman, palalayain na kita.
Palalayain kita sa parehong paraan kung paano mo ako minahal, totoo pero hindi pa handa.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

CATEEL MOMENTS: Carolina Lake | Baganga, Davao Oriental

We all need relaxation after a hard work. Our supervisor reminded us this when he brought us to the beautiful wonder of Carolina Lake in Baganga. I can't tell you how beautiful it is because clearly, words are not enough. But let these pictures convince you. Haha!





Actually,  I have not much to share here aside from this beautiful view. :) I terribly miss this place. :(

Friday, July 7, 2017

CATEEL MOMENTS: Curtain Falls

I got back from Cateel, Davao Oriental last April 10 of this year. Have not done much lately until now, lol. Have been browsing my pictures in that area and now I'm missing it A LOT. I mostly miss the people. <3 So, I decided to dedicate a part of my blog to them. As if my blog is a lot (??) HAHA! Sooooooooo....

  CURTAIN FALLS!

CURTAIN FALLS. AH, CURTAIN FALLS. How could this not be missed? Ah. Okay, haha. Curtain Falls is located at Baganga, Davao Oriental. So beautiful, right? I know, I know. So, from Cateel, Davao Oriental, it took us 45 minutes to 1 hour of drive to this wonder and another 15 minutes trek going to the falls. And when we were finally there, ah, I'm left with no words. Just pure amazement. It was one of those moments when you just want to simply stay there for like a year and just forget everything. Truly, nature has its own way of reminding you that once in a while, you have to stop and just be aware of the moment. It has its way of bringing you back to earth when you get a little disconnected from it. Curtain Falls just did that to me. It will forever be one of my favorite destinations in the Philippines. I'd always go back. I will go back.

MY FAVORITE PEOPLE :)

PS: All pictures are not mine. Got it all from a good friend, Ms. Ace Claudine Alfonso :)


Sunday, July 2, 2017

THOUGHT CATALOG QUOTE

"She wants so much more from you than friendship. And since she knows that's never going to happen, she has to keep her distance. She has to do what's best for her sanity and stay away."

FULL ARTICLE HERE: http://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2017/06/this-is-why-she-could-never-just-be-friends-with-you/

Saturday, June 24, 2017

JUNE 24 [rambled thoughts] [internal monologue]

It's your birthday. You might be reading this, or not, ha! Anyway, kumusta? It's been three days since I decided to leave. 2 days since I unfriended you (?) very millenial, lol. It's been 6 months since I got to know you. Sana pinakinggan mo lahat ng kantang binigay ko. I'm still sorry for leaving. I just...I don't know, got fed up with "you are special to me";"go with the flow lang, bahala na";"ang alam ko lang, masaya ako." Daaaaaaamn. They sound so good at first, but man, ang hirap ng sitwasyon na yun! I got tired, sorry. I concluded na wala nang patutunguhan since you were like that for the past six months, so I decided to leave. I figured out, I cannot take it any longer. Hindi kita ma-plastic. Hindi ko matanggap sa sarili ko na hindi mo kayang mag-commit. But oh, well! I pray that you are doing well today. I mean, hindi rin naman ako masyadong malaking kawalan sa'yo, haha! Yeah, drink with the guys? Saturday night and it's your birthday. I am actually thinking of giving you a message or a  call, but, I don't know, I feel like it is not needed anymore. We already said our goodbyes. Wag na diba? Hahaha! Though, umaasa pa rin akong lalabas yung pangalan mo ulit sa messenger ko, iilaw yung phone ko tapos pangalan mo yung lalabas. But I guess, not gonna happen anymore. We were like literally Rachel and Ross, except that I took that plane anyway and did not come back for good. Mahirap kang kalimutan, yes. Eh, hello, you are the first person to even introduce me to his mother, pero, daaang, wala, friends pa rin?? Hahaha! Akala ko, seryoso na yung step na yun! Akala ko, yun na talaga! Pero, wala, e. Haha! Sige lang. Pain will heal itself. Kaya 'to! Sorry if I am too much to handle for you. I did not mean to be so fast-forward to you. I'm sorry for everything. You were still a good man, Thank you!

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Sapantaha

Hindi ko alam kung saan tayo patungo
Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong sumama sa'yo
Hindi ko alam kung tama ba 'to
Hindi ko alam kung tama bang nag-tagpo tayo
Dapat bang mahalin ka?
Dapat bang ipag-patuloy ito?
Dapat ba kitang hayaang pumasok?
Dapat bang ibigay ko sa iyo ang buong ako
Dapat bang mahalin kita ng buo
Dapat bang maramdaman ko ito?
Hindi.
Hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang tamang sagot.
Baka walang tamang sagot.
Baka walang sagot.
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Parehas tayong may pupuntahan
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Kailangan ko ng kasama, kahit ngayon lang
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Walang tama o mali sa pag-ibig
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Nag-kita tayo tapos ito na, ganito na tayo
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Mahal kita.
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Gusto ko itong mag-tagal
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Naka-pasok ka na, pero pwede kang lumabas kung kailan mo gusto
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Wasak na ako nang natagpuan mo
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Mahal kita.
Ang alam ko lang kasi,
Walang mali sa taong nagmamahal
Hindi.
Hindi ko na alam kung dapat pa ba.
Pero isa lang ang alam ko,
May isang byahe tayong pagsasamahan.
Marahil darating ang araw na kakailanganin
nating tumigil sa gitna,
mag-pahinga at umusad; ikaw sa kanan, ako sa kaliwa.
Marahil darating ang araw na
mauubusan tayo ng enerhiya
at kakailanganin ng bagong lakas
mula sa ibang pwersa, mula sa ibang nilalang.
Pero habang nasa byahe tayong ito,
handa akong samahan ka,
handa akong mag-lakad,
handa akong mag-lakbay,
at kung pag-dating sa dulo
ay hindi na natin kailangan ang isa't-isa,
asahan mong bibitaw ako nang dahan-dahan,
dadalhin ang ala-ala nating masasaya,
bibitawan ang bagaheng matagal na dapat ibinaba,
iiwanan ang mga pangakong binitawan,
at hindi mag-iiwan man ng anong pait at sakit.
Dahil sa byaheng ito,
hindi mahalaga kung saan at paano tayo nag-simula,
mas mahalaga kung paano tayo magwawakas.

Friday, January 20, 2017

KABISADO KO NA...ATA

Alam ko na’to. Kabisado ko na, e. Darating ka, maglalakad patungo sa akin, magkaka-titigan tayo. Kikislap ang mga mata ko na para bang inihulog na ng langit ang pinakahihintay kong regalo. Ngingiti ka, uupo ka, at ayan sa wakas, magkaharap na tayo. Nasa harap ko na ang pinaka-magandang umaga at pinaka-malamig na gabi ng buhay ko. At dahil nga kabisado na kita, alam kong tatanungin mo ako kung kumusta ang araw ko, at syempre, sasabihin kong  “eto, kausap ko na.” pero hindi, dahil kabisado na kita, alam kong ang isasagot ko ay, “ayun, okay naman.” Tatango ka at ngingiti kang muli, at ako, iibig ulit ako, paulit-ulit, walang mintis. Aayain mo akong lumabas at maglakad-lakad pagkatapos nating kumain at mag-kwentuhan, at oo, sasama ako, palagi akong sasama. Hahawakan mo ang kamay ko, mahigpit pero panatag ang buo kong pagkataong hindi ka bibitaw. Tatawid tayo sa kalsadang pamilyar, susuyurin natin ang kalyeng kaya kong lakarin ng nakapikit, maglalakad tayo. Tatawa tayong parang walang bukas. Maglalakad pa tayo. Diretso lang, walang likuan. Pero hindi e, hindi lang isang diretso ang kalsadang ito. Kailangan nating lumiko. Liliko, teka, saan ka pupunta?

Oo nga pala, kabisado ko na ‘to e, liliko ka. Gusto ko pang dumiretso pero lumiko ka na, at hindi, oo, hindi na kita pwedeng habulin kasi naglalakad ka na, patungo sa kanya, titingin siya sa’yo at magkakatitigan kayo. Kikislap ang mga mata mo, ngingiti siya at uupo ka sa harap niya,at kukumustahin niya ang araw mo. Sasagot ka, “eto, kausap ko na.” ngingiti siyang muli at sa pangalawang pagkakataon, iibig ka. Aayain mo siyang maglakad-lakad pagkatapos niyong kumain at mag-kwentuhan, papayag siya, hahawakan mo ang kamay niya, mahigpit pero sigurado, tatawid kayo sa kalsadang pamilyar, susuyurin ang kalyeng kabisado na, tatawa na parang walang bukas at maglalakad pa. Diretso, walang likuan, walang likuan, walang lumiko, lumakad ka palayo.


Teka, kabisado ko na ‘to e, pero bakit hindi ko pa rin makabisado kung kailan tutulo ang luha? Bakit hindi ko pa rin kabisado kung ilang kahon na naman ng tisyu ang mauubos ko kaka-iyak? Bakit mali na naman ang tantsa ko ng panahon ko ng pag-move on? Kabisado ko na, e. Alam kong sasakit pero bakit hindi ko pa rin kabisado yung kirot? Alam kong aalis ka pero bakit hindi pa rin ako sanay sa pag-iisa? Siguro nga kabisado ko na ang mangyayari, pero kahit kailan, hindi ko makakabisado ang kirot ng pagkawala mo, ang hapdi ng pag-alis, pag-balik at muli mong pag-alis, ang mga gabing magiging araw at ang mga araw na hindi sisikat para sa akin, ang mga panahong iiyak akong mag-isa, mga araw na hindi ko gugustuhing lumabas ng bahay, at higit sa lahat, ang mga araw na gigising na naman akong mag-isa, tulala at mag-iisip na naman kung kabisado ko pa rin ba ang pinaka-importanteng bagay na dapat kong gawin pagkatapos ng istroya natin, ang kalimutan ka.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Hobby

Sharing with you one of my favorite recordings that I did...on Smule! Haha! When I'm bored, I sing. =)) Hope someone likes this!



LINK:
KISS ME (ED SHEERAN) COVER