Hey, Ocean

You know that feeling when you dip your feet into the ocean not knowing how deep it is? All you know is you want to do that, you want your feet to feel the water because why not? It sounds cool, it looks relaxing. Then, you don't realize how deep you have been. You've been very far from the shore and too far from the end, is there even an end? This is both deep and wide. How am I gonna make it out alive in the ocean? So I learned to swim. I've learned that it's fine to compromise sometimes. I swim, but the waves are unpredictable sometimes. For many times now, I've been swimming while this ocean keeps on throwing waves, but no, I do not give up because I did this first. I dipped my toes first so I have to accept this. I have to accept the fact that this ocean can bring me both pain and struggle and happiness in between. So I've become a great swimmer by now. I can now conquer this ocean's big waves, hell yeah, I even go above its waves. I'm doing great, I'm doing fine, I'm enjoying. Then suddenly, this unpredictable ocean with its unpredictable waves threw a big time wave. I saw it fast approaching right in front of me. I have nothing. I only have myself. Here it comes, here it comes. As it gets nearer to me, I start to think on why I did this first. Why did I even dipped my toes in this ocean? Why did I want to be in the ocean in the first place? I was doing fine without it. I was doing fine in the sand, why the hell risk my life here? Then boom! I've been hit. Where am I? The wave's done damaging me. Am I underwater? Was I thrown away into the shore? Am I still in the middle of the ocean? Is it calm now? The waves? Yes, it's done. Now, I've realized how big this ocean's wave can be. So I start swimming to go back to the shore, because that's where I belong in the first place. Hurry, I have to go back there before the next big wave comes. I got this. Now keep swimming. Swim with all my might to go back to the shore. I don't belong in the middle of the ocean. I don't deserve its waves. I've managed to conquer its waves, but no. Not all the time these waves can be managed, sometimes these waves can get bigger than me and then bigger and then bigger until I can't carry it anymore so I have no choice, I have to go back to the shore. I'm done with all these. I'm too tired conquering the waves, I'm too tired. You have always been the ocean and I have always been the swimmer. I need rest, even swimmers rest. Your waves never seem to rest and I don't know what to do anymore. So I'll be leaving. I'll be.

PARA SA TAONG "HEART OVER HEAD" ANG LAGING MANTRA

Dear Katawan ng Taong Ito,

K A T A N G A H A N. Isang malaking katangahan. Isang malaking katangahan 'yan. Kung laging iiral yang nararamdaman mo, sana naging puso ka na lang. Para tibok ka na lang nang tibok. Kasi, puro feelings lang diba? Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon, puso ang tama. Hindi rin naman sa lahat ng pagakakataon, tama ang utak. Pero ang point ko kasi dito, hindi mo hahayaang pumangibabaw ang isa sa isa. Ipantay mo. Kapag ginagamit mo ang puso mo, isabay mo ang utak mo. Ganito ang magiging conversation nila:

PUSO: Crush ko siya!
UTAK: Bakit? Kasi pogi, matalino, mabait?
PUSO: Basta, crush ko siya!
UTAK: Kasi nga ano? Kahit isang rason lang! Ano?
TIYAN: Nak ng! Gutom lang 'yan, mga landiterang to!

Di naman talaga dapat kasama yung tiyan, sorry na. Pero diba, kapag may naramdaman ka, isipin mo naman kung bakit. Hindi yung arangkada na agad. Bakit mo nararamdaman? Tama bang nararamdaman mo yan? Mapapanindigan mo ba? Si puso kasi magaling yan sa pakiramdaman. Pwede yang magparamdam sa'yo ng libu-libong kalokohan para umasa kang mahal ka pa rin niya. Pero sa libu-libong yun, isa lang, isa lang ang mali. Kasi lahat, lahat yun tama. Oo, tamang hinala. Hindi, joke lang. Half ng ipaparamdam sa'yo, for sure, tama, half, mali. Si utak naman, maraming ibibigay na assumptions 'yan. Ipapa-isip niya sa'yo lahat ng posibilidad. Pwede pa kayo, kaya mo pa, hindi ka pa pagod, gutom ka lang, blah blah blah blah. Ngayon, kung isa lang diyan ang susundin mo, mabobobo ka. Matatanga ka. Ganun ka ba? Hindi diba. Kaya ikaw, bilang may-ari ng katawang 'yan, ay may karapatan na pag-usapin at kontrolin ang dalawang nag-aaway na kampo. Bigyan mo ng panahong marinig ang panig ni puso at ni utak pero wag mo namang hahayaan na sa huli, isa lang ang susundin mo. Pagsamahin mo ang opinyon ni utak at ni puso. For sure, meron diyang magko-compliment with each other. Pag nakuha mo na ang perfect match, yun na. Tsaka ka gumawa ng aksyon.

Ito ang tatandaan mo, kapag puso lang ang umiral, walang logic dun. Para ka lang sumunod sa ihip ng hangin kahit di mo naman talaga nakikkita kung saan siya papunta. Kapag utak lang ang nanalo, walang feelings yun. Para ka lang Rebisco na walang filling, hindi masarap, walang flavor, walang feelings. Kaya kailangan mo silang dalawa. Kailangan mo ang utak mo para sa logic at ang puso mo para sa feelings.  At kapag nangyari yun, congrats! Meron ka nang logical feeling.

Nagmamahal,
Bituka (ang laging malayo sa sugat)

To My Bestfriend's Ex-Boyfriend

Dear you,

You probably know by now that I hate you. Well, kind of. Not totally hate you, but at some point I did consider throwing you into the river and punch you until you drown. Not until I have heard your side of the story. I wanted my opinion to be non-biased and so here I am. Understanding that you still love her, I have already forgiven you. It still aches my heart when I stare at her smile, and see that it is different than before. Before she had you, before the pain, before the hurt. Don't worry, she still manage to laugh and hang-out with her friends without you. She had been doing that act too well. Yes, she's fine. No, she's not happy. She still thinks about you. You haunt her dreams, her reality, her life, her heart. She still mentions your name and talk about how good your cooking was. Sometimes, we talk about you getting wasted with your friends and then calling her to say nothing, but a sigh of drunkenness.I knew everything about you because of her stories. And you know what, her eyes get wet a little every time she mentions your name and her voice cracks every time she would talk about you. I've seen all of these. I have seen her being happy with you and now, sad because of you. But, as I have said, do not worry. She is okay. She was. And she will be. I guess, this is what the both of you need. A time to breathe fresh air. Realize and analyze everything that had gone wrong. Do it separately. Please be patient. As she is slowly moving on now from the heartbreak, the pain. 2 years and 7 months (or 8?) is a tough thing to get over with. Give yourselves time to mature. I respect your decision. I know, there is a reason behind it, and whatever it is, I know that you chose it because it is good for the both of you. Yup, I trust you enough to not be a selfish fool who only thinks of himself. I know, this is hard for the both of you. I know you are hurting too, but this time, I have to side with her. I have to stay with her, but you know, I'm always open to hear you as well. Please continue loving her from a distance. Please continue respecting her by not trash talking her just because you guys broke up. Please continue pursuing healing both for your heart and mind. I don't know what might happen in the future. You guys might get together or forever be separated. I really don't know, But whatever it is, I know it will happen for the good. I admit that she has improving to do and so are you. I admit, she is not perfect, she's sometimes impulsive, she shouts at you like her mother does, she tells you hurtful words, she made you feel unappreciated, but please know that she is aware of these. She is aware of the things she need to improve on. And maybe when she's done improving, maybe, just  maybe, she will not be that girl for you anymore. And for that, I will thank you in advance because you have taught her in the most painful way that love was supposed to hurt after all.

Love,
Her hurting bestfriend

It's There

At times, I don't feel like I'm needed anymore
I don't feel like I am worthy of anyone's time
I've become everybody's shock absorber
That when it's time for me to absorb my own
I cannot because I was done absorbing everybody's
Don't get me wrong
I don't blame people for choosing me to be their absorber
In fact, I am happy with that
It's just that
Lately, I have been suffocated with all of these
I don't want to not care
Bur I don't want to care so much
Because I get hurt twice as they are
And it lives with me
It haunts me before I go to sleep
It haunts me when I wake up
It haunts me when I'm eating
It basically haunts me everywhere, every time