FORGETTING

I always hated the thought of having to forget something that really made an impact in my life, specifically, something that really hurt me. I mean who the hell in the world would forget something that hurt them deeply? That is almost impossible, freaking impossible. How could I forget the pain; the times I cried in the bathroom floor, on the bed, inside the cinema; that crumbling feeling every time I hear them say your name; hearing your voice every now and then; seeing you happy while I am still trying to convince myself that I. HAVE. TO. FORGET.

I was six years old back then, when I started sneaking out of the house to get away from Nanay and play with my friends outside 'til sunset. I got my strategy from you. You even carry me with you whenever you would go visit your girlfriend back then. I used to be so happy with you. You were like my little happy pill. You were like my escape from the sad world. I adored you. Every inch of you.

I was eight or nine back then, when you broke up with your girlfriend who, let me say, is the most beautiful human being I have ever seen in my life (from looks to character, man, she was irreplaceable) and that was the second time I knew that boys really do break hearts. The first time I knew this was when dad cheated on mom and wow, you did the same thing with your then girlfriend. I saw her cried her eyes out at the corner of our street. It was dark, and the lights that she only has were from the cars passing by. She was crying intensely and you went up to her and made her feel more like a crap because you effin' shouted at her while asking why she's crying. Congrats.

I was ten when I saw you stealing food from the refrigerator (shallow, I know) and you know what, I did not care at all, but I knew that was not supposed to be done. This was also the time that you said goodbye to me and treated me to a fancy restaurant because you had to go out of the country for work. And hey, I wrote a letter for you with crappy penmanship and all, lol.

I was twelve when I first saw your girlfriend who was the replacement of your ex. She was pretty cool, yeah. This was also the time when you first saw me holding hands with my first boyfriend while walking down the street. Damn, you acted like my dad which was kinda cool and terrifying at the same time. I let it pass. I got more rebellious in my own way.

Fast forward to this day. When I saw everything. Heard everything. And felt everything. Too much damage had been done that I cannot put into details anymore because it hurts me every time I remember. My mind have turned into a series of flashbacks every time I walk past the places where tragedies happened. I did not know it back then. I did not know it would make such an impact on me. Up until now. So tell me, how do I forget these?

Maybe I won't.  Maybe I will never ever forget these, both the good and the bad. Maybe these memories were bound to be with me for the rest of my life. Maybe I am the problem after all. Maybe it was not you. Although it was really you, but I have myself to blame. I have kept this pain for so long. They grew and became anger and hatred. I blame myself for not letting all these go easily. I regret not dealing with this pain earlier because honestly, it kills me up until now. Maybe I do not have to forget the memories after all, and maybe I have to change the way I see it now and the way I feel about it.

How I wish this island in my mind (just like how Inside Out did it) would just sink. How I wish everything would just fade. I wish I never have to get through this. I wish I never have to revisit the memories and feel the pain all over again. How I wish it would just be for a split second before I can finally forget you and the memories.

I will be okay. I know I will be okay. I have to be.

HINDI KA NAMAN NAWALA

Kaibigan,
Ako ay iyong nilisan na
Naalala ko pa iyong isang araw na
Hinatid mo ako pauwi
Habang nagku-kwento ka tungkol sa pag-ibig mong sawi
Nagsalita ka nang nagsalita
Nakinig lang ako
Pero hindi ko napakinggan kung ano talaga ang ibig sabihin mo
Sana'y nakinig pa ako nang mas maigi
Sana'y tinignan kita sa mata habang nagsasalita ka
Para mas naintidihan kita
Hindi ko lubos mawari na hindi na ulit kita masisilayan
Hindi ko lubos maisip na hindi na kita makakausap pang muli
Naririnig ko pa rin ang boses mo
Dama ko pa rin ang haplos mo
Malinaw pa sa utak ko ang ngiti mo
Hindi ko maiwasang maluha
Tuwing naririnig ko ang paborito mong kanta
Nangingiti ako tuwing nakikita ko ang paborito mong inumin
Natatawa ako tuwing nababasa ko ang mga pag-uusap natin
Pero hindi na katulad ng dati
Naririnig ko ang boses mo pero may kirot
Nadarama ko ang haplos mo pero may lungkot
Malinaw pa sa utak ko ang ngiti mo pero masakit
Hindi ka naman nawala
Kasi nandito ka pa
Nandito ka pa sa isip at puso ko
Ihatid mo ako ulit
Samahan mo ulit akong maglakad
Kuwentuhan mo ako ulit
Pangako, ako'y makikinig
Hanggang sa muli.

AKO NA ANG NAGSASABI

Hindi mo ako mahal

Baka napapasaya lang kita

Kasi puwede mo akong kausapin

Sa lahat ng bagay 

Tulad ng tama ba ang corporal punishment o hindi?

Sirena ba talaga yung nakita ng mga scientists o joke lang?

Hanggang sa, anong latest music ng banda na 'to

Tapos na-alala ko nga, napunta pa tayo sa usapang UFO at Conspiracy Theory

Nagsasalungat tayo ng mga ideya pero masarap ka pa ring kapalitan ng ideya

Sabi nila, "opposites attract" daw 

Pero baka hanggang attraction lang

Hindi naman lahat ng attraction nagtatagal, diba?

Kaya hindi mo ako mahal

Baka ako lang yung nagkakataon na online 'pag online ka rin

Tapos sakto na-seen ko yung message mo

Tapos ayun, doon na nagsisimula

Stickers, cheesy lines, links sa mga paborito mong kanta at kung anu-ano pa

Nakakakilig, nakakatawa, nakakainis

Pero hindi mo ako mahal

Baka masaya ka lang na may kalandian ka

Ako kasi 'yung tipo ng tao na isang text mo lang, reply agad

'Yung tipo ng tao na kukulitin ka kapag 'di ka na nagre-reply

'Yung tipo ng tao na kapag sinabihan mong "nalulungkot ako. I wanna die."

To the rescue ako para masiguradong okay ka lang

'Yung tipo ng tao na napa-paranoid kapag active ka 1 min. ago tapos 'di ka nag-chat sa akin

'Yung tipo ng tao na iniisip kung magagalit ka ba kapag may sinabi ako

Pero hindi mo ako mahal

Baka ako lang 'yung taong kayang saluhin lahat ng latak sa pagkatao mo

Kapag nagtatampo ka dahil nag-send ako ng jejemon text sa iyo

Kapag naiinis ka dahil nababa ko 'yung tawag mo

Kapag hindi ka mamamansin kasi hindi ako kumain sa tamang oras

Kapag naiinis ka sa pamangkin mo

Kapag nagagalit ka sa nanay mo

Kapag natatawa ka sa mga bagay na seryoso na halos ikamatay ko na kasi ang cool para sa'yo

Pero hindi mo ako mahal

Baka concerned ka lang

Pwede ka naman kasing maging concerned without romantic feelings attached, diba?

Kaya hindi mo ako mahal

Baka na-miss mo lang magkaroon ng girlfriend

Nagkataon, single ako at walang iniintindi

In short, available ako 

Available  na available

Pero hindi mo ako mahal

Ako na mismo ang nagsasabi

Hindi mo ako mahal

Pero baka mahal mo ako

Pero paano kung hindi?

Paano kung oo?

Bakit hindi? Bakit oo?

Mahal mo ba ako?

Mahal mo?

Mahal lang?

Ano ba ang mahal para sa'yo?

Ano ba ang pag-ibig para sa'yo?

Ano ba ako sa'yo?

Ano ba tayo?

May tayo ba?

Baka hindi mo nga talaga ako mahal

Baka nalilito ka lang

Baka importante lang ako

Pero hindi mahal

Hindi mo mahal

Hindi.

I AM NOT GOING TO PURSUE YOU

As a woman full of plans, dignity, love, and self-respect, the last thing that I would want to do is to pursue a guy. Just so we're clear here. Yes, I like you. BUT that does not give you a valid reason for me to pursue you. No, no, no. I told you weeks ago that I do like you and I'm still getting to know you to maybe like you even more. Just that. That is the only thing I can do, no, that is the only thing I want to do. I do not want to look thirsty for you or your attention. Though I must admit, I do like the attention you give me. You told me you love me, that quick. I already had my doubt, but I brushed it off because you may be saying the real thing, and I don't want to judge too quickly.

I need not to tell you this, but if you really love me, wouldn't being consistent a normal thing already? Wouldn't having to call/text me first already a thing? If you really love me, you would pursue me. Not because I told you, not because your mom said so, not because it is the norm, but because you love me. You would pursue me in your most modest and sincere way possible. You would pursue me because you make me wanna feel needed and loved. You would pursue me because you do not want me going anywhere, you don't want me being with someone else because you love me. You would pursue me because you do not want me begging for your attention and love all the time. You would pursue me because I am worth it. I should be worth it. I should be worth pursuing for.

I am not gonna pursue you because I have set my standards already. It is all clear to me that if a guy do not pursue you then, the problem's not with you, it's with him. I am not gonna pursue you because for the first time in my life, I wanna feel the feeling of being pursued. I am not gonna pursue you because for all its sake, I am still young and if you are not going to pursue me then I am confident that someone out there would do. I am not gonna pursue you because I already told you I like you and if I did not make myself clear to you that I am open to date you and that a little pursuing and getting-to-know-you days are all I need then, I don't know what will. I am not gonna pursue you because I know my worth and if I have to pursue you for you to see my worth, forget it, I don't need you.

So, let me tell you this,

I like you.

But I am not going to pursue you.